I try to maintain a healthy distance between my job and Peanut Cheese, as the former is what funds our weekend junkets and the latter is rife with possibilities for getting fired.
But I do have a job at a bank in the Netherlands.
As I've mentioned, it's at a sustainable bank, which means we try to use money as a force for doing good in the world.
We even have a company motto to that effect, which someone recites (out loud) at the end of our Monday morning all-hands meeting.
Motto notwithstanding, it is very much a bank, which means that I've learned more in the last 18 months about the banking industry than I ever thought possible.
But in addition to learning terms like "basis points" and "liquidity curves", I've come to appreciate one of the finer arts of the banking industry: the half-year report.
A lively compilation of results from the first two quarters of the year, in which one seeks to assure shareholders that we haven't absconded with their money to Suriname.
Though on most days, that is sorely tempting.
Inspired by this riveting exercise from my work, I present the first and probably only half-year report for Peanut Cheese.
In the interest of transparency, I will admit that the flat tire count and the beer bottle value are both wildly exaggerated.
Though it feels like we've had 11 flat tires in the last 6 months and I wish that the giant pile of beer bottles in the basement would net us €34 in deposit money.
Everything else in this report has been determined by auditors to be the honest-to-god truth.
Key Figures
(January
1, 2011 to June 30, 2011)
| |
Primary travel indicators
| |
Number
of countries visited:
|
14
|
Nautical
miles sailed:
|
217
|
Miles
logged by bicycle:
|
1,395
|
Hours
logged by train:
|
223
|
Adverse conditions
| |
Total
days with precipitation:
|
113
|
Number
of flat tires:
|
11
|
Average
number of incorrectly conjugated verbs per sentence:
|
0.8
|
Assets
| |
Current
household bicycle-to-person ratio:
|
2:1
|
Value
of unclaimed deposits from beer bottles in basement:
|
€34
|
Extracurricular activities
| |
4
| |
1
| |
3
| |
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